Ionia Martin.
She shares with us her novel, a bodice-ripper parody :
Plundering the Romance Novel
Description: A
silly, satirical romp into the land of romance novels and pirate adventures,
full of romance clichés and humor. This book is a short novella, just over 10k
words.
Have you ever wondered what goes
on in the minds and hearts of romance novel heroes and heroines? No? Good,
because this book won't be helpful with that at all.
If romance clichés drive you mad
and you like Monty Python style humour, this may be the perfect book for you.
From the twisted mind of a
sometimes writer and lifelong reader, you are certain to have less brain cells
than you started with after reading this book.
Captain Stormy is the typical
romance hero/villain archetype. He follows the Romance Hero Handbook to the
letter, but he is about to figure out that nothing in his guidebook is going to
prepare him for the trials he's about to face.
Uncooperative heroines, lack of
treasure, severely delayed sex scenes, a missing crew and an old man's butt
cheeks later, Stormy has a story to tell you.
Even pirates have bad days.
*contains some mature
themes and language
Buy link: Amazon
Excerpt:
“Should we not be doing
something? Surely characters in a romance cannot just stand around on board a
ship all day long making eyes at one another. Don’t you have a map of buried
treasure or a key that opens a treasure chest or something to point us in some
kind of direction?” asked Candy, looking around her at the storm brewing
overhead. The storm was made possible by our sponsors, Pointless Pancakes. They
were too broke to offer up a real storm, so the characters will now spend a
minute or two yelling boom! While attempting to make rain noises.
“I have neither a map, nor a key,
miss,” Captain V.D. announced, as he tossed the map and key he was holding into
the ocean. “I am not one of those clichéd pirates that female authors put in
their high-seas themed smut books.”
“Boom!” replied Candy.
“That scene has ended. It’s time
to move on to the part where you see my sensitive side and fall helplessly in
love with me.”
Candy looked him up and down. She
wondered why the 1500’s seemed to be such a popular theme in romance. Didn’t
authors know that deodorant had not been invented yet and soap was more of a
luxury than a prerequisite? She could smell him from 11 and ¼ feet away and she
was pretty sure that if she moved even farther away, she would still be able
to. She wrinkled her nose. That’s what characters do when something smells bad,
apparently.
Stormy looked overhead at the
clear blue sky and thought about how inconsistencies in romance novels can
really kill a story. He ran a hand through his closely cropped red hair and
jumped a little when a thunder blast struck overhead. He admired Candy from far
enough away that he hoped she wouldn’t be able to smell him. His hopes were
obviously in vain, as she was covering her nose with one of those pointless
decorative fans that women of the era liked to carry.
This girl is an odd one, he
thought. She wasn’t particularly difficult to talk to, as women were supposed
to be. She didn’t try to run from him, of course, at this point in the story he
was too tired to chase her anyway and she did not seem to be the slightest bit
in need of rescuing. He was wondering how he was going to rescue her from
danger even though he was the one who originally kidnapped her and put her in
danger in the first place, when something happened that changed both of their
fortunes. A seagull flew overhead and dropped a coin. One of them was about to
be a coin richer.
They both scrambled across the
deck after the coin (it is so annoying when an author keeps using the same word
over and again.) Crashing into one another and falling to the deck, they watched
as the coin rolled away down to a grate and nearly tipped inside. Captain Ahab,
I mean, Captain V.D., flared into a pyre of burning temper. “Dammit woman! That
coin could make all the difference right now! I’m going to go get it and you
stay here! Stay put! I’m not kidding,” he reminded her, pointing his index
finger in her face.
Suddenly Candy began to behave
exactly as a romance heroine does, and burst out into a flood of enormous tears
and began to sob and wail and sniffle and sniff and cry and moan and snuffle
and weep and then the author ran out of synonyms. Naturally, this made Stormy
feel terrible, so he took her chin and lifted it so he could look deeply into
her eyes and convey his silent apology. “I’m Sorry,” he said, not silently at
all, still keeping an eye on the coin perched precariously at the edge of the
grate. Pirate.
Candy continued to carry on for a
moment, before trying to pull away and hide her tear-stained face, because no
romance heroine wants to admit that they do the ugly cry. Candy continued to
wriggle and struggle against his firm grasp. (Why he would grasp her firmly on
the chin is another matter entirely.)
“I didn’t mean to upset you. I
will go get the coin and once I have the coin I will allow you to hold the coin
until we get to wherever the author decides we are going and then I will use
the coin to buy you something pretty, after I buy myself a drink, with the
coin. If there’s enough left from the coin, I mean.
Candy dried her cheeks upon her
skirts and stared up at him, eyes still glistening. “Stop saying ‘coin’” she
said in a trembling voice. “It is annoying the fuck out of me.”
Captain felt his heart do a flip
flop. She swore like a sailor. Sexy.
Bio:
My name is a Ionia Martin. I am a
writer, a reader, a musician, a photographer and a mother. I am also a book
reviewer/blogger and love to read books of many genres/styles and varieties. I
love discovering new voices in literature.
I am also a dedicated scholar of
Colonial America with a focus on the period from mid to late seventeenth
century.
I'm currently working on writing
a series of comedy books that spoof the various genres of literature (as well
as some historical events) and point out common pitfalls in genre fiction. When
I'm not working on those, I'm devoting my time to reading, and the study of
Colonial America. (Yes, I can be serious once in a while, but who wants to make
a career out of that?)
I love to travel and explore new
places to get ideas for my books. I also have a lot of fun on my blog, Readful
Things. Hope to see you there!
I've got four little boys who
keep me pretty busy and my ten year old son is already practicing his own book
writing skills (uh-oh.) I love hearing your thoughts and opinions on my work,
be they positive or negative.
--Ionia
Author links:
Twitter If you want a laugh get this book which is silly cheap, $1.23, and check if there are any missing romance tropes.
